It is so often that we find ourselves in a different perspective/view with our spouse. This is not evil by itself but we need to find a way to tell that in a loving and caring way whether the other person really cares for us or not. Disagreement occurs when what we trust and what we love seems to be violated or not taken as important.
It occurs when we felt unloved and untrusted. Most of the time that seems to be true but the fact is, it is a very dangerous weapon that could destroy our relationship. Argument destroys relationship in such a way that whenever we felt we are unloved or untrusted, we will speak words that would destroy our relationship. You will always be tempted to say wrong words that will create the wrong impression that they are not cared for and loved for and needed for.
One of the reasons we make mistake while we are speaking is we do not take enough time to choose the right word and to say the right word we choose. Quite a few times we choose to say what Holy Spirit tells us to say than our emotions and situations told us to say. When St. Peter took a vow not to betray Jesus and he did it three times, he was not consulting with the Holy Spirit to speak. He trusted his feelings and they told him the reality but that didnot please God at all.
Your flesh and feelings will always tell you the reality but the fact is if you follow them, soon you will find yourself in a big trouble. But your faith inspired by the Holy Ghost will guide you how to escape through hard times including when you are angry and your spirit is embittered.
We also don’t need to argue for everything. Argument is usually taken as misunderstanding. When you try to raise an issue, you need to make sure it is well taken care of and well understood before you even bring it to the table.
If your spouse doesn’t get what you are trying to do for him/her and you are insisted to do that, you will find yourself in a conflict. I heard them say, “I have never felt peace with him” or “she doesn’t know what really matters to me”. And that is their husband/wife they are talking about whereas s/he could probably attempted every effort to do his/her responsibility to reach out to his family.
We don’t know sometimes what matters most to our spouse. But if we know that, we will do the exact thing that pleases him/her and we will enjoy the fruit of that. For example, if a wife insisted on going to work early so that she will be there on time, but the husband is trying to convince her that she has to stay more in the house may be to take care of something in the house, then that will make her feel that he doesn’t give enough thought for her getting to work on time. As a result she might feel that he has no value for what she has done for her family.
This is only one issue we could see in our marriage. But there are many cases that we can’t even guess what will happen to us. Love sometimes gets offended and say some words that could hurt the feelings of others. That doesn’t mean we have the right to offend others specially those who are too much sensitive for the love we show to them. We may want to express our deepest heart felt disappointments in a more wisdom, charming and loving way to our spouse.
The fact that we disagree doesn’t mean we are rude and arrogant. But the words we choose to disagree and the intonation of our voice and the expression of our body language make it so. You will never find life let alone marriage easy unless you bind enthusiasm and love together with faithfulness. Enthusiasm is that piece of act that you do to create fun and positive environment around you so that they will not feel depressed or accused or misunderstood.
It is a real form of passion just purely positive, honest and kind. It produces the energy that will inspire some to do their job well and others to be productive in life. A person with enthusiasm will never caught with anger or hatred because he/she will never get tired of believing that something is there for the good and one should never quits trying to do nothing but the best.
That being said I see that all values, rules, principles are all empty if I cannot make my spouse’s face brighter and happy. There are disappointments created when we don’t use the right word to make our point. Disappointments lead to anger and anger to hatred and hate to death or divorce.
So No disappointments No problem!
Don’t be the one who creates disappointments and sad faces on your spouse’s face. Peace and freedom is all we need not food. But then that will make it a relationship too simple to be true, right?
Ok let’s put it this way; don’t say from your side that you are disappointed. Let them disappoint you and hurt you but don’t say any word. But this could really change our lives in the wrong direction. If you allow your spouse to abuse you, you might find yourself cheating on your marriage to relief mistreat and abuse your lover has caused you.
That will also lead to sin to death or divorce. The other option, is to keep it in you until it is all passed and then before it is turned in to hate just deal with it. The pattern is disappointment – anger – hate – death.
Deal with it at the junction points. The sooner the better because you will not find it hard to explain the issue because you don’t forget the exact detail.
If it is too early, it will be mixed up with passion and you will say unwholesome words. If it is too late, it will be mixed with blood and flush that you will not able to get out of you and it will be mixed with you and you will be one with your problems like some kind of disease. But then there is a medicine that is produced from what Jesus did on the cross.
It is forgiveness and love and compassion that will save the day for you not to speak unwholesome words to your spouse. Sometimes it is difficult to say how unwholesome can be our words. Our words don’t have to be arrogant to break the heart of our spouses. But they are cruel enough if they break them anyways. They are offended and broken-hearted due to our unwise argument. Therefore it doesn’t matter what words we use.
So it is all dependent on the kind of heart your spouse has. It is like before you apply any substance to a patient, you would like to know the medical condition of the patient. The same is it true here. Not every person can take any word. Some are too much sensitive and some are as hard as an iron. So be careful what to say to your spouse.
May the Lord gives us wisdom to understand our relationship better and to love better and avoid any form of destructive argument. Lord we pray that even in the times of argument and heated debate, you take the lead and guide us through the differences that we face not only as couples but also as children of the most fearsome God