Conflicts are there and will always be there between you and your spouse. Conflict occurs because there are some common interests you both have and you want to do them in your own ways. Why is it we want to do that? Why can’t we reach to a common decision? It is because our knowledge of the matter is different. The way we see things is different.
And when it comes to men and women, we both have different perspective. That should not be taken as a disadvantage since we are like that by design so that our spouses see what we don’t see and we see what our spouses don't realize.
Sometimes we may also have a problem because of the violations of the basic principles we have in the beginning i.e. live to love one another and build the respect we have for each other. We all have our own selfish desires that always come in between us and our loved ones that always end up with a conflict. I am just wondering in the place where only Jesus is loved and in the home that only Jesus is the King of the home, how do conflicts happen?
One reason might be we all are focused to self-desires and self-centered ways instead of the common interest. We intend to say 'me', me and not us. What about us? In a home that self is not dead, Jesus will not appear to be seen and able to lead the house. We should submit to one another in love to be able to serve Jesus without blame. The little disappointments we have created to each other will only make the Lord, he who has given this huge responsibility to care for each other, very disappointed.
When we disappoint him, things will take another form. A man will only reap what he saw. What are you sawing today? Man always has his own ways of messing things up when everything looks wonderful. I don’t know why but that is the truth. I saw that in my life. What good is for a man to get everything but to lose his own family?
How would you like to be rich and abundant in materials of this world, but then you don’t have peace and love inside.
So it is one thing that conflicts do not occur but it is also another thing to be able to solve them before things look bad.
Let’s say you have an argument with your spouse and things get out of control and you both start to say foolish words to each other. How would you react to that?
You may say that you will no longer involve in the fight. You may also say that what was just said was completely unnecessary and unfair instead of giving word by word attack to his/her response. It is always wise not to involve in any kind of argument but to your amusement they will always find you even if you you may not want to find them.
The only way you can do well is by walking away of the situation. If you see what Jesus did when they all wanted to stone him to death, he just walked away of the situation. But how is it true that when all you want is all good and well, why someone has to think that as bad. It is one thing to expect something that it will happen and get prepared for it and it is another thing that you face it without preparation.
Here are six main points that I believe we should follow to minimize if not eradicate the conflicts in our marriages.
1. Knowing each other well:
Knowing each other weaknesses and strengths will make you solve your conflicts easily even prevent them before occurring.
Fights in conflicts occur when one just blow out intentionally or not intentionally foolish but atomic words that can penetrate into the skulls and tiny blood vessels of the body that you can even feel it when it happened.
Knowing your partner weaknesses, you may approach him with a wiser attitude and change his thought in a better way.
For example if one is not well thoughful when he addresses you in public, you may not want to ask him/her his public opinion or you may not start controversial agreement with your spouse in public
If your partner has a pretty tight schedule during the weekdays, you may want to arrange a picnic during the weekend if you have time.
If you husband/wife has anger management issues and don’t know what s/he does or speak when s/he is angry, do not stand in his/her way and just make him angry by giving him more things to be angry on. If you are one of those couples who can get really angry and don’t know what to do at that time, and your spouse is the one who is angrier when you are angry, then that will make the matter even worse.
You see in a happy marriage, if you know your spouse is angry in a way that he cannot get better unless you neglect it, you need to be like an ice for his anger that will squash him down.
A man and woman getting married and living together, their home will not be a better place to live unless one simply gives a way to the other and not to get in to endless arguments and exchange bitterness and anger.
Your spouse if you know how to a handle him, is your best friend. However, you may turn him in to your worst enemy if you don’t know what are you saying when you are angry.
Anything what you say may be forgotten. But people will never forget what you make them feel because feelings are closer to us and can be easily remembered.
Well if our feelings have this much permanent memory in our lives, how much stronger are our faith in Jesus Christ.
People will never forget what you make them believe much stronger than what you make them feel. People will be convinced to do something when they are ready to believe something. If you force your spouse believe something negative about your marriage, you may force it to end.
If you make your spouse feel negative, they may feel uncomfortable near you and negative thoughts come to them easily. So please do and say and act in a positive way that will refresh the soul of your spouse and not put him/her in a remorseful situation.
2. Build as much trust as you can
The other most important thing in marriage is that the most valuable thing you have in your marriage next to Christ is the trust as in hope and love if not faith you have for one another. Married people may have babies or not, but trust is the one thing that brought them together.
When she married him, she has put her trust and her life in a safe place to live with him. You may never want to break such kind of trust. Because once you lose that there is nothing that will convince your spouse to stay with you.
Would you take a risk putting your soul in a place where you feel your life will be in great jeopardy? I don’t think so. That is true even if the person you fear for your life is your own spouse.
The bottom line is that, in any kind of relationship, trust is the key to build and maintain the relationship. In addition to that trust is also important to take the relationship to the next level.
Trust implies safety and security in the relationship.
The other important element for building healthy relationship is forgiveness. There is no other way that nails down a conflict like forgiveness. It removes every pain and grudge we might have. It has this soothing effect when we just apply that to our wound. There are some things that only forgiveness can solve without any hustle. And it doesn’t have to come first from our spouse.
Somebody doesn’t have to apologize for us to forgive somebody. If we are waiting for someone to apologize so that we ca actually forgive, we may never forgive somebody before we go to Christ.
Forgiveness comes from the inside. It has nothing to do with the world we live in. Any Christian whose sins are forgiven by the work of Jesus, has to be able to exercise what it means to be a sinner and should start to forgive even if it hurts sometimes. It is all about who we are and what Christ has done in our lives.
The word of God insists that we should forgive others so that our sins shall be forgiven. There is no way we can receive forgiveness for our sins if we don’t forgive others
Prayer leads our lives out of destructive argument and fighting. When we ask the Lord for direction and invite him to lead our marriage, he can lead to constructive argument with prayer. He would show us the way to address our concerns without destroying the ideas of others. Through prayer we can lay out plans and procedures as to how we should solve our conflictual arguments. Through prayer we will have better understanding of what really is important and what matters most to our spouse.
Prayer should be our lives style and not something that we do once in a while. Through prayer we can listen the things that are aching the heart of our spouse. The Lord also will give us the wisdom to identify that.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Matthew 6:15 But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Colossians 3:13 Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.
There is nothing like humility that has the power to destroy every potential fire in a relationship.
Humbleness is indeed a great tool to begin and end a conversation with our spouse in peace.
On the other side, if we allow ourselves to be filled with pride, we could definitely lead our marriage in to battle grounds with an outcome of defeat for us and the family in general.
Humility doesn’t mean low self-esteem. God always stands with the humble and greatly rebuke the proud. And if God is not with the proud, then the proud always loses to the humble. God loves the humble and he hates the arrogant. He gives grace for the humble and prepares a way out from all of his troubles.
6. Do not involve any one in your conflicts
Whenever you have a conflict that can easily manageable between you and your spouse, do it in private so that no one involves in the conflict. Most of the time small conflict can escalate to big problem when three or more people are involved in a marital conflict that could have been easily solved with just the husband and wife.
Marital conflicts are marital secrets that should be kept until it is too much to be handled by just the two. Holy Spirit will make you bear things that are beyond your capacity to carry.
If it is beyond that, the issue has to be brought to the attention of well spiritually matured leaders and elders in the church.
They will presumably keep your secrets with them and offer their own prayer and support.
A great manifestation and power of the Holy Ghost shall
be released when we pray together as a church to eradicate a great problem in our midst.
May the Lord bless you for reading this blog! Mayour marriage be blessed and be a blessing for many others. May the Lord fill your house with joy and laughter! May it be the place where many children will be raised to know and fear and love the Lord from the bottom of their hearts, in the name of Jesus, Amen!
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times
n every way. The Lord be with you all. -2 Thessalonians 3:16
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. - John 16:33
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.- Isaiah 26:3
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. - Romans 12:18
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. - Matthew 5:9
Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. - 1 Peter 3:9-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him,because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7
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